Saturday, January 31, 2009

my thought for today

I woke up today and thought
"I am going to start a blog
because my life is stupid."

Here are some poems that I wrote recently:


THE GODS ARE LONELY


The Gods are lonely because no one talks to them anymore.
They exist in some other place and we have forgotten about them.
The Gods wake up every morning and have a hangover from taking too many sleeping pills.
They feel distant and insignificant.
If you feel a certain way for a long period of time,
you become that feeling.
The gods have become distant and insignificant.
I have no reason to capitalize the "g" in "god",
because it is unnecessary.

After awhile you will lose interest in people
and then you will be bored and want something else.
I have figured these things out and now I just want to sleep
because the more I sleep, the less interested I am in this world.

The other day I played a show
and dedicated a song to sleeping pills.
Is this making any sense?

I think that I am alone now,
because I have felt alone for as long as I can remember.
When I look at things I see them abstractly,
which means I could never engage in a serious conversation with anyone.
I honestly don't like people,
but I would like to lie next to one in a bed sometimes,
and fall asleep watching rare Morrissey videos
that I have now learned
are hard to find
on the internet.

I walked for twenty three blocks and I kept dropping my things.
I didn't drop them because I was clumsy,
but because I have become completely detached from myself.
Most of the time I feel this way.
The gods are unnecessary because they have no control over their emotions.
It is a sad thing to happen to such lonely giants.


Vague Things


I woke up today unable to process my surroundings.
There was a mirror standing in front of me on the wall
leaning at a slight degree,
and I stared at myself from a weird angle
that I was unable to process at that point in my life.


How good it would feel to have nothing
but a dark room and a comfortable bed.
I want to buy a house with the money that I will find just lying on the street one day,
and board up all of the windows and doors
so that no light comes in or out.

People will not understand,
but what I need now is nothing
but a dark room and a comfortable bed.


The things that I want to do most
at this point in my existence
is to sleep for much longer than most people would even imagine,
obtain a collection of different brightly colored anti-depressant pills,
and listen to music from people that have by now murdered themselves,
passionately,
late at night and by a candle.


"Somewhere someone feels something drastically better or slightly worse
than some thing inside of my brain that can I feel right now."



My mind can think of nothing else,
but that is all that I need at this point in my life.

Something vague and substantial.


THINGS I MEANT TO SAY


I met you at a bar when you told me that your girlfriend was leaving you.
I found you there by yourself,
drinking cheap beer and talking on the phone.
Sometimes I am amazed at how proactive you can be.
You will spend the rest of the day drinking,
and then use the rest of your welfare money
to buy strong narcotics,
and then you will wake up tomorrow
and feel slightly worse than you did today.

I mumbled that under my breath
and then stared intently at the glossy bar table beneath me.
I could see both of us in the reflection
and we looked like two people
who never leave the house,
and who call each other every day,
almost crying,
for reasons I am sure
I will never fully understand.

I remember when you described to me
the only time you thought about killing yourself.
You were young
and you imagined yourself walking away from your mother
on top of a power line,
and then jumping
and suddenly falling to your death.
I didn't tell you that I used to imagine my death almost every day,
and I didn't tell you about all of the half-hearted attempts
of drowning myself in a bathtub in Ohio.
I didn't say anything.
I just looked out of the window,
and stared down at the power lines,
five stories high.

*

When I left you at the bar
I went into Albertsons
and was amazed at how brightly colored everything was.
Everything appeared to be glowing,
and my heart was beating faster,
and my thoughts were more rapid, and quick.


I suddenly thought about the time I saw you fall
after you drank an entire bottle of vodka.
You reminded me of a collapsing tree
and I rushed over to you,
and then looked down at you.
Your teeth looked like dull, clumsy icicles arranged in your mouth and bleeding.

You were looking up at me
and I wanted to tell you that I will probably always love you,
even if I never heard from you again.
But you were bleeding and scared
and I felt the same way.
So instead of being emotional,
I just held you,
and stared down at your clumsy teeth,
wondering how I ever went so long without breaking mine.

1 comment:

  1. i like all of these and i like the video, i hope you keep blogging

    ReplyDelete